Me Tarzan, You Jane

Here is what women fantasise about.

“I am a poor milkmaid, working hard for a wealthy, good looking master who has rippling muscles, is single and a man of few words. He is strict but fair. One morning as I am milking the cows wearing a fraying but clean dress, he walks in and without a word, pulls me close to him and starts kissing me. Of course, he is an amazing kisser. I protest that my reputation will be ruined, but he presses on, and slowly he slides his hand under my many petticoats. I melt to the ground and right there on the floor of the barn we make passionate love.”

Here is what women do not fantasise about.

“I am milking my cows and my good looking master who I have been secretly in love with walks in the barn. In his hand, he is holding a rose and also what appears to be a crumpled sheet of paper. He hands me the rose and holding my hand, he recites the poem he has written about me. I instantly fall out of love with him and want him to stop, so I can go back to milking my cows. Anything is better than this idiot who won’t let go of my hand. What a loser. Then he leans in to kiss me. Now, I want to call the police and cry rape. How dare he!”

Want more? Go no further than the most popular porn scenario for straight women, according to Pornhub. “A woman is lying on a massage table. A male masseuse walks in, covers her in oil and gives her a massage which becomes more and more risqué. She weekly protests, but he has made her so hot that she cannot resist him”.

And what about “Fifty Shades of Grey”? A story of soft rape and glorified abuse, written by a woman for women. It sold 125 million copies and was translated into 52 languages. It was not men who bought these copies. In their fantasies, women want to be taken aback, and most want to return to more traditional gender roles.

This presents a dangerous and confusing dilemma for modern men. How can they navigate the fine line between offering women what they fantasise about while remaining on the right side of the law? How can men stay dominant in the me-too era without getting arrested?

In this confusing arena, much advice has been offered by male and female experts. I have distilled the most useful of guidelines from a woman’s perspective.

Starting from the obvious:

Don’t sexually abuse me when I am dead drunk and possibly suffering an alcoholic blackout. If I fall in your lap 5 minutes after I met you and agree to your advances while swaying from side to side and you wonder about how lucky you are to have found me, chances are that I am so drunk that I don’t know what I am doing. To avoid rape charges, back off politely. Likewise, if you are getting dangerously close to alcoholic blackout yourself, ask a friend to keep an eye out for you, or make your way home before you start imagining yourself to be Romeo and irresistible to all females.

Unless you know me well enough to know that I am playing out a fantasy and it is crystal clear that I want you to proceed when I am saying “no”, then it is safer to come out of the game and double-check that my “no” is really a “yes”. Don’t guess if you don’t know.

This is a tricky one. Assuming I have my wits about me, and I appear to like you don’t charge ahead without asking. Some women freeze in these situations, and it may seem that they are agreeing to your advances, but in reality, they are feeling violated. So, as you are leaning in to kiss me, whisper politely in my ear: “is it OK if I kiss you?”

Any time we are having any kind of sexual encounter, and you hear, sense or feel any sort of resistance, verbal or otherwise, stop and double-check that I am indeed OK with what you are doing.

If you have power over me -for example, you are my employer, then you need to tread extra carefully. I may appear to agree to your advances because I am afraid about my job. The safest course of action is to avoid this sort of encounter altogether. Even if I really like you, but then we break up badly, I may cause you trouble at work.

If I look like I just finished high school, ask to see proof of age before you go anywhere near me.

Unless you know for a fact that I like to be spanked or hurt in any other way, lay off the heavy-handed sex, please.

I know, I know in this day and age it can be unfair for guys out there. If both of you are dead drunk and neither remembers who jumped who, it is the guy who always gets in trouble. Who said life was fair?

Yes, guys. Flirting and sex has become treacherous, so tread carefully. I will not insult your intelligence by also reminding you that touching women you don’t know, rubbing yourself against someone in the tube or jumping them in the park will land you into terribly hot water and possibly give you a criminal record.

But I am forgetting my original purpose for this article which is to give you guys some flirting advice. Here it is: Be a gentle and mindful Tarzan and always make sure that Jane is OK with what you are doing.