The Blueprint of Love, Now and Tomorrow
Does love fade over time or does our future “self” operate on expectations created by our past “self”? And what can we do to adjust those expectations and maintain a long term happy relationship?
When we first fall in love there is magic both in an out of bed. We are full of excitement and anticipation and we see a better version of ourselves in the other person’s eyes. In these early stages of falling in love, our perspective becomes so skewed that our lover can do no wrong and sneaking in the airplane toilet for a quick hit of uncomfortable “mile high” sex seems perfectly normal.
We now know that the pounding of the heart and the intense longing to be with each other can be partially explained by the same chemicals and hormones that are also found in chocolate and marijuana. When we are with our lover the connection is so unique that we believe it will last for ever and we cannot imagine a time when it will become routine.
But it does. Familiarity dissipates the stardust from those early dizzying heights of emotion and desire. And guess what, we now have to deal with a discrepancy with the blueprint of the passionate love story we created and the quickly fading desire and intensity of feelings. Our future “self” sees this discrepancy from the blueprint and wants to “improve” to that level.
Most couples diligently work at recapturing those early heady days, truly believing that it is only hard work that separates them from returning to that state of chasing each other around the house and having sex on the kitchen floor. Of course this is not the case as there are biochemical changes that produced that feeling in the first place and made us temporarily insane. It is not a failing that can be fixed and thinking that it can, only brings grief, longing and disappointment.
Our future “self” can create negative feelings about a loving relationship because of expectations that were created by a “self” that belongs in the past. Adjusting your expectations to satisfy who you are today is at the heart of every long term successful relationship. Turn familiarity on its head and appreciate the closeness of a soulmate. Appreciate the trust, loyalty and understanding that can only come with time. If you have found a partner that you can be joyful with don’t sacrifice them to the alter of expectations that have long expired.